So, I know I haven’t posted in a while… guess I really had nothing to talk about the past 2 weeks… But I really did. Let’s go.
I’ve realized that if I don’t write something down, I almost always forget about it (I know, epiphany). But anyways, looking back on 2011, I thought I had it all together. I’ve landed a full-time career at Morgan Stanley, I’ve become a cell group leader at FBC, and I’ve also met new faces and re-ignited old relationships. What more can you ask for?
This past weekend, I’ve really had no expectations for my church retreat. It was going to be like any other one (I’ve been to one every single year, from the time I was born. You can take my word on that) that was going to be filled with messages (which I half pay attention to), praise, testimony and a good time spent with friends. And once I leave, I’m going to come back to NYC, forget about what happened and continue on with my routine life whether it be school, work, you name it.
Boy was I wrong.
Started out with waking up like any other day on a Saturday morning, pick people up and drive to retreat. Did all the expected things like setting up the praise equipment, practicing for praise and talking/catching up with familiar and unfamiliar faces. Day goes by, on to the next. Sunday, I finally spend time with my small group which consists of an entire male group. And to be honest, I’ve never been in an all male group before. I wasn’t sure what to expect but I definitely wasn’t expecting something life changing, nor interesting for that matter. I assumed that noone would talk, and we would just make things up as time went by. And obviously, I wouldn’t be as interested because the selfish side of me could care less about what others think.
To my surprise, it was probably one of the most uplifting, fulfilling time spent in a group. Everyone had something to say, and I really cared about what they had to say. So I’m thinking, “is this Jesus helping me understand others?”. We paired up to pray, talk and console each other if anyone had issues going on in their lives.
Ok, so this is something different. I guess my perspective on people have changed. But something was still missing…
Chip Kirk, our guest speaker, really tried to instill the fact that the Holy Spirit is in you. Jesus lives in you. Pray boldly and recognize that once you are able to bear fruit, you will never lose the ability to do so. So, listen to the Holy Spirit when he speaks to you.
This has been in the back of my mind late Sunday, until the time I went to sleep.
Next morning, Monday morning, I wasn’t expecting much because it was the last day. And honestly, I’ve been so busy that I really felt the retreat was not long enough. Anyways, Michelle leads praise, everyone starts singing. Now, I’m not sure if it was because I was tired or if it was the Holy Spirit, but once I started singing Restoration by David Brymer. I felt that as if the words were speaking to me. like Directly to my heart/soul.
I couldn’t believe how powerful the words were to me at that moment. Everything that I’ve held onto such as my pride, my career, my relationship, my pain in the last year, has not been let go of. And I felt that God was telling me to just let go, because he has me, he’s got me, he’s in me. Once these floods of memories were hitting me, I could not stop tearing. This was something I have not felt in a long long time.
Now, I don’t like to feel weak in front of people. I don’t like to show vulnerability. But God was telling me that I am weak compared to him. I am powerless without him. I will never have everything together without his help.
I guess this was the taste of freedom, when you put your trust in him. And have faith that everything is his will and not yours.
I hope this continues on in the year, and I not only listen but put keep my eyes focused up above.
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
You bring restoration
to my soul
You’ve taken my pain
called me by a new name
You’ve taken my shame
and in it’s place, You give me joy
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take weeping and turn it into laughing
You take mourning and turn it into dancing
You take my sadness and turn it into joy
hallelujah, hallelujah
You make all things new, all things new
